The honeymoon ended last week. I can’t put my finger on when, how or why, but it was pretty certain by the time we got to another Friday at the office. Despite the rockin good time I had at Briana’s birthday party (Romania sets the bar high for birthday parties, and Brandi certainly exceeded expectations- ball pit, cupcake decorating, etc) I had become irritable, and on the verge of tears at anyone’s comments. It is hard to start over anywhere- and in a cold foreign culture, it becomes daunting. I have been lonely, overwhelmed, frustrated and, the worst part- selfish. I have worried about what my fellow Aliens think of me, and what I can even give to this fundatia.

The weekend came with a bleak outlook. I envisioned holing myself up and praying fervently for a less worldly outlook on being here. Reluctantly, I joined Katie and Janelle for pizza. We began to talk a little about worries, which are shared by the others. In typical Romanian form, our grim situation was peppered with laughter and soon there was more laughter than sighs- especially after Katie got her heart shaped pizza from her Chef Admirer J We finished the night off with a movie and I thought perhaps things weren’t so bad after all.

I did hole up a bit Saturday morning, and read: a little Bible, a little Nouwen, and a few of the notes from LaVida friends. All of these proved to be immensely helpful. I had a renewed hope in my gifts, calling and my Father who has not left me after all. This changed my outlook as I entered back into our little community. Saturday afternoon was full of strawberries, sugar and laughter as we made 13 jars of jam from 20 pounds of strawberries. This should bring a little bit of color into our bleak midwinter meals. Satruday night was a fotball game with a Romanian family we love. They have a 2 year old that is adorable. It is helpful to see how Romanians do life in this hard hard place.

Sunday was quite the adventure. Katie and I went caving with three Romanians. Alin, the leader is friend from the fundatia and Bogdan and Claudius are students in his impact club. I have been caving once or twice before but never like this. My headlamp was dying and we climbed up and over things that sent me into serious panic. This is the first time I’ve really been freaked out on an expedition in a long time. (Perhaps this is how our participants feel while bushwhacking?) Romanians don’t give much thought to risk management or safety, and there were times that I would get up onto a ledge aided by a cotton rope, and thank God that I didn’t see the “knot” holding me until the end. This anxiety was multiplied by the language barrier- there is little explanation or encouragement that could be passed on between the two nationalities. Most of the time we were in the caves, I was NOT having fun…I was scared, anxious, and a little overwhelmed. As the Adventure Ed people would say, I was in my red zone. But when we finally saw the sunlight, and I took my first breaths of fresh, warm air, I was proud and had a renewed gratitude for open space.

The more I think and talk about the experience, I see how good these challenges are for me. Most of the time, we lead lives that are altogether too safe, too controlled, too liability free. Romania could be my cave- sometimes I will be unhappy, scared, even in danger. And perhaps it won’t be until I step out of the stale darkness into the light that I will understand what I can learn from it. Take that as you will.

So now I’m back in the office, overwhelmed with the work that must be done before my trip home. And I’m thinking about my next caving trip- perhaps I will grow braver and more used to the caves and be able to see their beauty. For now, I will enjoy the sunshine.